never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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