Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
