omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
