if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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