Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
