New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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