I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
