I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
