I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
