Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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