i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
