the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
