I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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