So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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