Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
