I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
