he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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