I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
