Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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