i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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