I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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