highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
