we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
whose parrot is this?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
