I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
