My liver just broke up with me...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
