i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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