So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
