You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
