omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think my fart just growled at me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
