Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
