I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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