I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This baby is an asshole
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
