Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
