Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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