Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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