you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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