God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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