Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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