just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
