go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
