That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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