My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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