Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
