Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
