I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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