In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
