I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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