Plan B is the new Plan A
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
