your parents love me but you hate me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
