Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
